I Still Love You But Love Doesn't Have A Mouth (On Complicated Relationships)

I've cried more tears over one girl this week than I've ever cried for her in years. Nostalgia isn't exactly an emotion I carry with me, it's something I allow to drift out my mouth, but it never reaches my brain anymore. However this week, the week of the 9th, something's changed that I want to kill through the throat. I'm weak to pain, I really am. I've remembered things I've swore off, I've renounced lovers I used to trace in my soul, and I've tried to chase this girl away. I couldn't, and that's how I've ended up here, where I never wanted to be. It's this letter of damnation or an unread text, and I simply cannot stomach the latter. So bear with me adoring readers, for this is a tale of old.

Primary school was a lonesome time. I had one person who meant everything to me, because they were my entire world, an anchor to Earth. We meant too much to one another, and that became the target of this pain. Loving someone beyond reason is not how love is meant to be. Loving someone like that when you weren't old enough to clean your own vomit is self-destruction. Nonetheless, a 12 year old lead by their heart cannot be stopped. And so we were one, until I realized I wanted to be my own, and the blade came down on this intermingling of two sad children. That is where our story begins.

We still shared half a heart, after I split our bodies. If you remove one half of someone, they wake up and don't know what it means to be alone. I never wanted to be alone. I wanted you just as bad as I wanted myself, is that so horrible? We were still inseparable, bound by the gods or whatever. I remember the ride to Philadelphia, and there are certain moments you're sure you've never laughed harder. Certain moments you recall so well you could take out a fountain pen and sketch them in perfect detail. But I won't be sketching anything today, just lamenting about it. You were so free, then. Your smile radiated like sunlight and it was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. I'm not still in love with you, and I'm not sure I was then, but you were so easy to love. It came like rain in March. You were so funny in a way only you could ever be and you had this look in your eye, one I haven't seen since. I think I'd throw up if I ever did. At least now I'm old enough to wipe it up.

Now you smoke weed with people I don't care for and I'm not gonna say I care about the weed either, but when it gets late I find myself wondering if I knew where we'd end up. I don't need weed to get high, because back then every second I spent with you came like hard drugs. You said it'd be funny to see me high. What does that even mean? Does it mean anything? I didn't deserve what you gave me. You didn't deserve to do that to yourself. I've always been a selfish girl and you know it. I don't remember the last time I've spoken to you now, which is an unfathomable thought for someone who thought of you as the moon and stars hung in the sky by God. There are things I remember about you, which I don't want to say. You get nosebleeds all the time. You saw Hamilton on Broadway. You've been to Paris. You loved me. Put the joint down, let's go to France. Put the joint down before you can't, it's making our youth dumb.

Your lover is lovely. I knew she would be, she's funny and she's kind. She's like a stream of freshwater in May. I called her name at graduation but she didn't notice. Reminiscing on you is like mourning a fallen empire. A million years ago, never to be resurrected, and it's been so long nobody wants it to be. I don't love you anymore, but I remember a time I did. If you still loved me, you would've killed me by now. Back then, death by your hand was a fantasy. Now, it's a memory. I miss laughing with you. Do you remember my smile, through all the smoke? Do answer.

Your friend, Vittorella.